One Month – And One Month Only

By Annie Goodman

A few months after joining Tinder and not having much luck at all, I decided to join match. com, but with one stipulation: I was joining for one month only. I know people who have found their significant others on various websites, and those people are happily married now, but it was a level of dating that I was trying to avoid. Until now. So on a particular day, I decided to get on and paid $39.99 for a one-month membership. I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

When you join, there are a few questions to answer that they take into consideration in order for you to be compatible with someone, hence the name You can specify your preferences for age range, education and salary range, and answer questions to see if you have certain things in common with each other.

But come to find out, none of that really matters because anyone can message you and that, my friends, is where the entertainment begins…

Exhibit A: A 60-year-old man emailed me via Match using the name “SeaCapt.” His message went like this: “Hi there – who is your favorite painter? I favor Renoir. Which do you prefer: Actor’s or Derby Dinner?” Bless his heart, but no thank you. I think I was pretty specific that my age range preference ended at 44.

Exhibit B: This guy’s name was “build_ one.” I don’t get it, but maybe you do. His message: “You sure don’t have much about you in your profile…hmm – secret agent? Ass model at the mall? Ninja? Before you read this email, were you wearing all black, doing back flips and dodging laser beams? If you answered yes, then you must be a ninja. Have a good week!” Every time I read this it makes me laugh. But clearly build_one was not my match.

Exhibit C: “BabyBear” sent a simple message: “Hi, how are you?” Sorry, but if you are a 31-year-old male sincerely seeking a match, you should never, ever use a name like BabyBear. End of story.  But there were also messages that were very flattering.

Exhibit D: A guy from Indianapolis wrote: “You know how at the bottom of a person’s profile it will show you others you might like? Well when I looked at your profile today, it literally said – there are no others like hers – I think that is a compliment.” How sweet is that? Too bad he lives in Indy. Sigh.

Exhibit E: Now this guy was pretty easy on the eyes but a little too young for me and his message? Oh my. “Sometimes you just can’t help but wish you were born a little earlier and right now is one of those times for me.” What a damn shame.

During that month membership, I actually met two potential guys. My friends named the first one “Republican” when I showed them his picture. He is a local attorney, a few years younger than I am and, come to find out, a little too cool for me, at least that’s how he made me feel. Thanks but no thanks. The second guy made it through four dates, became a little needy and then made it seem like dating was a business transaction. Check, please!

So here I am, still single and so ready to mingle.

Read more about Annie Goodman in the next issue of Extol and at

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